Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Acceptance Speech

Acceptance speech

If ever I win an award, something where I receive accolades and recognition in a public forum, I will surely have to give the following speech:

Thank you! Where do I begin.... well, first I'd like to thank God, without whom, according to some sources, there simply never would have been a beginning.

And just in case there is no God, I'd like to thank the very loud noise, bang, without whom, according to some sources, there simply never would have been a beginning.

And furthermore, I'd like to thank mythology and the art of story telling, without whom, surely, we would have neither religion nor science, let alone the linear narrative structure known as a beginning.

"Tonight, I dedicate this ___________ Award to all of the Homeless Children of (insert local city name) and the world at large (Nod, say, "Thank-You", and await applause. When applause comes, say, "Please, I don't know why you are clapping. They are homeless. That hardly deserves plaudits.") This is for you Tiny Timmy, Jamal and lil' Kimberly! And I'm donating a full...1/3rd of the money that would ordinarily go to tax to a tax-shelter named for them!

While traditionally it's been said that humility is the only quality which one can't boast about, I'd like to break from tradition tonight. The word hero is often bandied about, Willy-Nilly, and while I don't want to call myself a hero, I do want to acknowledge those who use that language to describe my actions...especially all of the work I do with the homeless children of (insert SAME city name...get this right!) and the world at large.

And while you might be thinking, "This humble hero is pretty special, and I can see why we'd give him the _____________ Award rather than some other schmuck like (Insert name of competitors and colleagues who are real pricks). And to those of you who describe me heroically, I say to you, "I'm no hero...Tiny Timmy, Jamal and lil' Kimberly are the real heroes here...and their story must be told to the world (bite fist, choke, and feign tears). Which is why at the Tiny Timmy, Jamal and lil' Kimberly center, we are going to be adapting from my novel, "Homelessness, the musical," a version suitable for cinemas across the country. And we will use REAL homeless children in the filming of Homelessness, the musical. So get ready America. Tonight we begin a new chapter in our story, eternity... (Slowly walk backward, waving to silenced audience as you depart stage left).

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