Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Bulman's theorem: Fair or Unfair Dinkum? You be the Judge...

G'day Australia!

Bulman's theorem: (Good) X (Day)/100= G'day. Stated less mathematically, if we let English be Algebra, then "Good" multiplied by "Day", divided by 100 equals "G'day." Thus, "oo" cancels out and the math-magical apostrophe demonstrates its amazing capabilities. Ah, don't forget to double-check your contractions!

(Along with some more money, America would like to borrow your apostrophe and apply both to the national debt!)

If you're Aussie, you might very well be thinking to yourself, "Is Bulman's Theorem Fair Dinkum?" Well, no one is quite sure for certain. Bulman's theorem could be a Fair Dinkum, but it could just as easily be an Unfair Dinkum. I'm really not sure that I have the qualifications necessary to discern between the two. Yet, if I interpret your thoughts correctly...and I believe I am...then when your people ask me if something is, "Fair Dinkum," I am being asked to be on some type of panel. And once on this panel, I get to be one of the few, the proud, the Judges of Dinkum. Yet what if I choose wrong? Will the other Judges remove me from the Dinkum panel?

And who else is a Dinkum Judge? What do they wear? It seems to be the guy in the cork hat with the tiny little shorts on that allows his penis to hang out like a nozzle from his distended, fat belly- as though it were filled with air- but his belly is not filled with air. It's filled with beer. And anger..., which he takes out on his wife as he beats her, which, ironically, is an infringement of Fair Dinkum and could be, quite possibly, Unfair Dinkum. Only the Judges of Dinkum can really rule on that scenario.

I know one thing is for certain...the Judges of Dinkum often are heard singing their criers-call, jug-jug, jug-jug, followed by the phrase, "This Dinkum Judging Business is EASY AS! No Worries from the Dinkum Judges...all is Fair Dinkum."

But I submit to you, dear judges, that all is not well if you repeatedly utter the phrase, "Easy as." For if you do so, you end yourself in the middle of a simile. And when I was a kid growing up, sitting around the dinner table...In America...we were taught to finish our similes because there are starving people, in CHINA, who can't afford to speak any English whatsoever. Yet you're going to scrap a perfectly good simile like that. And I may only be the new guy on this panel, but I must rule that as an Unfair Dinkum!

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