Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Creepy laughs on public transit

One of my bigger fears in life is that I will come across as a creepy character when we meet. It could be on the train or tram, brief encounters with flashing eyes, or breathing too heavily in the supermarket amongst the beef-steak tomatoes next to fresh lettuce varieties. My anxieties and fears compound matters and deep seeded Fear may well be the cause of the clich├ęd "self fulfilling prophecy."

But what happened on the train yesterday surpassed what my fearful imaginings could ever have conjured. This was the realm of the Devil's conspiring.

For my creative craft, Stand-up Comedy, I have a recording device that doubles as an MP3 player. It can record both my voice and MP3 files, which I can choose to listen to with headphones or via speakers. And I was quietly listening to Mitch Hedberg on the train with my headphones.

Sometimes my friends and I record odd sounds or conversations, one liners from movies we like. Once, my mate, Bill, recorded heavy pornography unbeknownst to yours truly so that when I thought I'd be listening to a new comedy act, filthy porn played instead.

But none of this mattered on the packed train before the incident unfolded.

I was lost in my Mitch Hedberg world, chuckling aloud at intervals proportional to his laconic delivery. Then, all of a sudden, the fear kicked in. I perceived that no one else could hear the comedy that brought me so much audible glee. And I realized, "Wait, this looks creepy." And I chuckled at the realization that I shouldn't be laughing out loud to myself in this public arena.

So I panicked. Standing up to pull the recording device from my pocket, I instead accidentally pressed the skip button. Just then, Bill's porn started to play. This startled me; my jerked head was enough of a force to pull the headphones out of their socket, and a high pitched, low quality voice was heard screaming, "Fuck my dirty pussy."

It was loud enough for the passengers to assume that I had been laughing to myself...all the while silently listening to pornography on a public train.

Just as I became a creep in front of all the other public trainies eyes... an antagonist more loathed and less acceptable than the first time smack-head who pukes his guts out on the Epping line...just then, I dropped the recording device under a seat. The seat was blocked by a pram, inclusive of mother and child.

And as the train pulled up to next depot, a policeman entered, while I asked the mother to move her pram so that I could retrieve the device. With impeccable timing, the child in the pram tweaked her head and asked the natural question, "What does fuck my dirty pussy mean?"

Weather she asked her mother or the police officer is a debate up to some speculation. But I am assured that it will all be settled in court.

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