Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Dr. Goodnews

This is a skit for sketch comedy...I hope it stands on its own...matthew

CAST OF CHARACTERS

DR. GOODNEWS: (a Christian Doctor)

MR. SMITH: (a Patient)

SISTER MARY:(Office assistant, secretary)

SETTING: Dr. Goodnews Medical Clinic, patient room.
Mr. Smith sits on a chair in treatment room 1. Sister Mary and Dr. Goodnews are offstage.

ACT I

SISTER MARY:
Dr. Goodnews?

DR. GOODNEWS:
Good news?! What is it, Sister Mary?

SISTER MARY:
It’s your sir-name, Goodnews.

DR. GOODNEWS:
Oh. Of course!

SISTER MARY:
One of your regulars, Mrs. William’s, well, her husband has passed on a message. She’s dead. And your next patient, Mr. Smith, is in room 1, Dr. Goodnews!

DR. GOODNEWS:
That’s terrible news.

DR. GOODNEWS: (entering stage)
Mister (looking down at chart) Smith, I’m Dr. Goodnews…what can I do for you today?

MR. SMITH:
(Nervouse) Yes, Doctor Goodnews, I came down with the worst pain yesterday (grabs head). My girlfriend and I were laying together on the ground and putting together a jigsaw puzzle when it started.

DR. GOODNEWS:
(Looks at Elbow) Sounds to me like someone’s come down with a classic case of Puzzler’s Elbow!

MR. SMITH:
The pain is not in my Elbow, Dr. Goodnews.

DR. GOODNEWS:
Puzzler’s Knee then!

MR. SMITH:
No, it’s a headache. The pain is in my head. I was thinking a migrane of some sort. (grabs head again and rubs).

DR. GOODNEWS:
(Still looking at elbow) Interesting…I’ve never had a case of puzzler’s elbow that referred all the way to the head. Hmmm. One moment…

(Goes to Bench, flips through) We’re going to have to Bible it!

MR. SMITH:
(Incredulous) The Holy Bible?

DR. GOODNEWS:
Atta boy! It’s like Googling, but straight to the source.

MR. SMITH:
What are you talking about? Don’t you want to perform any tests?

DR. GOODNEWS:
Hey, if you want sciencey type stuff, I suggest you take your puzzler’s elbow elsewhere. But if you want answers, quickly, I’m your man. With the Big Guy on our side, we’ll get you sorted.

MR. SMITH:
Can’t you just give me some sort of pill?

DR. GOODNEWS:
(starts to write script) Well, there is one medication we’ve had success with…it’s a myrrh derivative…

MR. SMITH:
(angry) Isn’t there something less… Bibly. This Fucking headache is tearing the ass out of me!

DR. GOODNEWS:
(Handing him the script) I’m not sure if you’ve heard the Goodnews…Who’s the Dr. here, Mr. Smith? I’m here to get you better, not feed some drug addict’s addiction. These placebo pills are choc-full of curing agents. Blessed by the Pope himself.

MR. SMITH:
This is fucking ridiculous!

DR. GOODNEWS:
No, what’s ridiculous is your potty-mouth. Now, if you’ll excuse me, the Goodnews is saying good day to you, Sir. Don’t forget to pay Sister Mary at the desk…and for this week only, upgrade to our prayer-mail list $49.95.

MR. SMITH:
Pray for me? Placebo pills? That’s hardly a fucking treatment plan.

DR. GOODNEWS:
(Snidely) We could pray against you…have a little bit of the-old -timey prayoffs in a battle for your soul, eh? You up for that? I didn’t think so. Trust me, $49.95 is a deal…Those are Jesus’ mates rates!

MR. SMITH:
(Exits stage)

DR. GOODNEWS:
(pressing button to front desk) Sister Mary?

SISTER MARY: (still offstage)
Yes, Dr. Goodnews?

DR. GOODNEWS:
Good news? What is it? Did Mr. Smith upgrade to the prayer-mail list?

SISTER MARY:
No, it’s your sir name. Goodnews. Mr. Smith has walked out without paying.

DR. GOODNEWS:
Oh. That’s terrible news. Sister Mary…if you would be a dear and remove Mrs. Williams from the prayer-mail list?

THE END

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