Tuesday, February 10, 2009

My first sexual experience, a story

Once upon a time...my first sexual experience involved vast quantities of alcohol and a heavy girl named Sarah. I remember chatting her up as I cracked open a can of cheap beer. She was friendly, and I must have thought her to be very comfortable and fluffy-looking...Like a Muppet.

I asked her, "Why aren't you drinking? Are you, 'On the Wagon?'"

"No," she replied, and then without skipping a beat, added, "Lithium."

"OH! My Dad's on Lithium," and we were off and chatting. We smoked cigarettes and then groped each other, kissing and rolling around a wet grassy patch upon a suburban hill. She manipulated herself upon me and I was the lucky recipient of a crude handjob. I then spent the night vomiting.

She owned a car and drove me to different parties where neither of us were really welcomed; I was inevitably drunk; There were many handjobs; I always puked.

At 16 or 17, I often denied having any memory of the situations; only occasionally was this the truth. A more enlightened view is that I was powerless in any attempt to avoid her, handjobs, or the drink. On several occasions I even awoke from a blackout where vomit and semen covered the sheets. It was a real chicken-or-the-egg debate in my head...

Many years later...as my beer became cheaper and my vomit seemed to be more more accepted by my female companions, I dated another girl named Sarah, the 2nd. I feel horrible about my behavior during my relationship with Sarah, the 2nd, especially in regards to its ending. I am not proud of this, but I left her after I learned that she was diagnosed with Down Syndrome.

Fair enough. I should not have been fucking a retard. I realize this in hindsight. But hindsight, really, is 20/20. And I feel as though I did the stand-up thing: I got out of there as soon as I learned that she was pregnant. I recall with great clarity that I said to her friend, "No way can I be a father...to that thing!"

So, I went right up to Sarah, the 2nd, and told her, "Tharah!" (because she did not have the "thpecial" ability to pronounce the letter "S") I said, "Tharah, it's over!"

And then I ran away.

THE END

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