Saturday, March 14, 2009

My Funeral Wishes

The Final Will and Testimony of Mr. Matthew Bulman:

1) I'm dead. That's why you are all hearing this Will and Testimony read by my crack team of attorneys at Saw, Hunter and Moore. Snacks have been provided; and I might take a moment to suggest the Cotswald Cheese by my good friends at Beemster, who make a choice spread of cheese-cracker combinations for funerals and other occasions. A healthy but balanced chunk of your inheritance has gone to the assemblage of today's snacking spread, as was my wont, because...I'm sure my children can attest to this...I always was a fan of snacks, nibbles, and bite sized morsels for the mouth.

2) About your inheritance...specific directions follow, so please listen carefully. The instructions will be read aloud once, after which the word "Go" will be shouted, while simultaneously the directions aforementioned are consumed by a ball of fire, forever lost.

A) First and foremost, it is my explicit wish to be with a woman, sexually, one last time. Though my corps is dead and lifeless, I have taken certain steps...certain medical steps... to ensure that rigor mortis would set straight certain necessary accouterments for the act. The finest medical team available was assembled to enable this little frivolity. Once again, a healthy but balanced portion of your inheritance has been spent on this little assemblage. She can be any woman...A previous lover, a necrophiliac, or a prostitute, though the latter option does deduct from your sizable but balanced inheritance just a little bit more. The specific details matter not; just get it done.

B) I then wish to be with a man. I assure you this will settle a little curiosity that has pestered me throughout life and will now be settled in death.

C) Then, I would like the three of my children and I to picnic. We will reenact certain fond memories from childhood. Someone will push the little one, Kimmy Bulman, over into a pot of honey, which will prompt her to retaliate with a saucing of some sort. Kimmy, being the youngest, will get to choose her sauce, though I am certain she remembers her dear father's preference for chutney.

Later, perhaps, my children will sling a rope around my arms and hoist me upon a tree; meanwhile, having taped a glove to my hand earlier, we will play catch! Though, once again, the necessary medical steps to ensure that provisions A and B are followed to the letter of the law may cause undue embarrassment. Perhaps taping down my erect penis will cause less of a scene? I don't know. The specifics matter not...I only want us to seem as natural as possible to the passers-bye.

D) Lastly, I wish to be put to rest in a non-traditional fashion. All too often, the precious land with which we could use for the growth of agriculture or the raising of stock...both, I might add, contributors to the wonderful snacking industry...this land is all too often set aside as burial grounds. Similar to those who are cremated, I, too, wish to be scattered amongst the waters and grasses of my favorite parklands; however, I do not wish to be cremated. No! I will be scattered, unburnt, throughout Fairmount Parks. A limb to each child to do with as they please. Specifics matter not. Just so long as I am set aside in the soil, grass and water back in my home town of Philadelphia. And to you, my dear honey-bunny, Kristen. My poor, widowed, wife...to you I leave my head. It is my final resting wish that you place my head at Flinders Street Train Depot, Australia. My favorite sight on Earth! I specifically ask that you place my head looking South-West, toward the Eureka Towers. And, if you don't mind, please do so at 5:30pm to commemorate our initial meeting way back in June of 2008.

As for your inheritance...after the last of my remains have been scattered, you can return to the attorneys at Saw, Hunter and Moore to receive your land and assets so long as you provide photographic evidence that my wishes have been carried out to the letter of the law. Each of you has received a sizable sum of money, in excess of several million dollars, minus the few frivolities aforementioned and a few, previously agreed upon pennies to our good friends, the attorneys at Saw, Hunter and Moore.

Go with God, my progeny. Go with God, Kristen. Enjoy the Cottswald cheese, and remember me with each bite into a cracker. Go!

Warmly in Death,
The Beloved Mr. Matthew Bulman

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

An Apology

To members of the media, as well as those individuals and families currently affected by the sexually transmitted virus known as HIV:

I would like to express my most sincere apologies for raising the farcical premise that it is my desire to be known as, "Bulman: the opposite of AIDS." As it was pointed out by the recovering-heroin-junky-homosexual (RHJH) sitting in the front row of the comedy venue at last evening's Triple J RAW comedy competition, "Mate, AIDS is not a laughing matter."

Touché.

And while some comedians might like to point out that, "The opposite of 'not a laughing matter' should obviously be a laughing matter," I am not going to travel down that path. Simple mathematics would prove this true, but no, I will not go there sir.

(And, if I might digress, as the previous sentence has forced a grammatical conundrum or faux pax or crisis to its issue, I would like to point out that the RHJH has forced me now to enter the realm of double negative usage and abusage, which is my bane. Endgame, sir! How does one not-not use a double negative to express that one is anti-double negative? Shall I be pro-double positive and multiply by (-1)? I simply can not, and will not not-believe in double negatives. They are too powerful in this realm of experience known as Earth. Yet, this remains another debate for another time.)

And, although it is true that I would like to build people's immunity to viruses, pathogens, and sickness in general, I am in no way in a position to belittle this terrible, sordid and dirty affliction.

So, please, Mr. RHJH, sir, accept my apologies. I will recapitulate for you the grossest of my offences:

"As the carrier of the virus known as the opposite of AIDS I would spread a lot of love...as though it were my moral obligation to fuck randomly, and in a seemingly half-hazard fashion, all who cared to live. I would recall that I did it for the people. And though controversial for certain, and perhaps persecuted for my techniques, I often would shout to my Father, 'Forgive them! They know not what they do!' The plebeians could never have guessed that I contained a penis that quite literally ate AIDS. But, when my penis ended up in the National History Museum, future generations of children on school trips would surely be told the story of its magical powers of healing. 'Bulman: he was the opposite of AIDS."

But for all of this, I apologize. Live comedy no place for satire.

Forgive me, Sir.

With warmest regards,

Matthew Bulman
The comedian no longer referred to as the opposite of AIDS

Sunday, March 1, 2009

The ABCs of Goldfish Tending

Whether you raise them for pets, food, or to harvest their natural Omega-3 oils, Goldfish tending today has been revolutionized by one maverick scientist’s methods. That man is Dr. Teitler...Dr. Neil Teitler.

Dr. Teitler's scientific techniques for the ancient art of Goldfish rearing incorporates hitherto unexplored territory. For years, it had been a noted phenomenon that Goldfish die in their natural environment: the bowl. Dr. Teitler had the gall to ask the hard questions: Would Goldfish die in other environments, too? Bleach, Sewage, Joy Detergent, Vaseline...because of his seminal work, "10,000 Goldfish interactions with non-H2O environments," we now know the answer. Yes, Goldfish will die most other places outside of bowl environments, too.

As a food source, Goldfish are ready to break new culinary ground. Underestimated in both their nutritional value and mouth watering delight, Goldfish have come into their own these days. Teitler's experiment with fish number 8,571 not only proved that Goldfish will die when encountering sizzling olive oil, but when pan fried with almonds and some butter, they are simply glorious to the palate. That's right, your fat pet might be the delicacy you've been unexpectedly waiting for...especially if you've been using recreational drugs!

And Teitler was also the earliest to explore fire, air, metal, and cinnamon as possible environments for Goldfish. Though unsuccessful, the techniques he incorporated helped to develop some of the more interesting fish-oil extraction techniques so often taken for granted today. After all, it was during these experiments that Teitler proved unequivocally that Goldfish can survive strapped down to a metal plank, so long as they are hosed occasionally. This has proven most valuable for harvesting their Omega-3 oils sold in health shops to consumers like you and me across the globe.

Having explored the world of Goldfish tending ad nausea, Dr. Teitler has moved on to other creature's culture of death and dying. Look for his upcoming work to be published in the journal Nature: "Monkey Torture: hitherto unexplored avenues of research."