Sunday, March 1, 2009

The ABCs of Goldfish Tending

Whether you raise them for pets, food, or to harvest their natural Omega-3 oils, Goldfish tending today has been revolutionized by one maverick scientist’s methods. That man is Dr. Teitler...Dr. Neil Teitler.

Dr. Teitler's scientific techniques for the ancient art of Goldfish rearing incorporates hitherto unexplored territory. For years, it had been a noted phenomenon that Goldfish die in their natural environment: the bowl. Dr. Teitler had the gall to ask the hard questions: Would Goldfish die in other environments, too? Bleach, Sewage, Joy Detergent, Vaseline...because of his seminal work, "10,000 Goldfish interactions with non-H2O environments," we now know the answer. Yes, Goldfish will die most other places outside of bowl environments, too.

As a food source, Goldfish are ready to break new culinary ground. Underestimated in both their nutritional value and mouth watering delight, Goldfish have come into their own these days. Teitler's experiment with fish number 8,571 not only proved that Goldfish will die when encountering sizzling olive oil, but when pan fried with almonds and some butter, they are simply glorious to the palate. That's right, your fat pet might be the delicacy you've been unexpectedly waiting for...especially if you've been using recreational drugs!

And Teitler was also the earliest to explore fire, air, metal, and cinnamon as possible environments for Goldfish. Though unsuccessful, the techniques he incorporated helped to develop some of the more interesting fish-oil extraction techniques so often taken for granted today. After all, it was during these experiments that Teitler proved unequivocally that Goldfish can survive strapped down to a metal plank, so long as they are hosed occasionally. This has proven most valuable for harvesting their Omega-3 oils sold in health shops to consumers like you and me across the globe.

Having explored the world of Goldfish tending ad nausea, Dr. Teitler has moved on to other creature's culture of death and dying. Look for his upcoming work to be published in the journal Nature: "Monkey Torture: hitherto unexplored avenues of research."

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