Wednesday, March 11, 2009

An Apology

To members of the media, as well as those individuals and families currently affected by the sexually transmitted virus known as HIV:

I would like to express my most sincere apologies for raising the farcical premise that it is my desire to be known as, "Bulman: the opposite of AIDS." As it was pointed out by the recovering-heroin-junky-homosexual (RHJH) sitting in the front row of the comedy venue at last evening's Triple J RAW comedy competition, "Mate, AIDS is not a laughing matter."

Touché.

And while some comedians might like to point out that, "The opposite of 'not a laughing matter' should obviously be a laughing matter," I am not going to travel down that path. Simple mathematics would prove this true, but no, I will not go there sir.

(And, if I might digress, as the previous sentence has forced a grammatical conundrum or faux pax or crisis to its issue, I would like to point out that the RHJH has forced me now to enter the realm of double negative usage and abusage, which is my bane. Endgame, sir! How does one not-not use a double negative to express that one is anti-double negative? Shall I be pro-double positive and multiply by (-1)? I simply can not, and will not not-believe in double negatives. They are too powerful in this realm of experience known as Earth. Yet, this remains another debate for another time.)

And, although it is true that I would like to build people's immunity to viruses, pathogens, and sickness in general, I am in no way in a position to belittle this terrible, sordid and dirty affliction.

So, please, Mr. RHJH, sir, accept my apologies. I will recapitulate for you the grossest of my offences:

"As the carrier of the virus known as the opposite of AIDS I would spread a lot of love...as though it were my moral obligation to fuck randomly, and in a seemingly half-hazard fashion, all who cared to live. I would recall that I did it for the people. And though controversial for certain, and perhaps persecuted for my techniques, I often would shout to my Father, 'Forgive them! They know not what they do!' The plebeians could never have guessed that I contained a penis that quite literally ate AIDS. But, when my penis ended up in the National History Museum, future generations of children on school trips would surely be told the story of its magical powers of healing. 'Bulman: he was the opposite of AIDS."

But for all of this, I apologize. Live comedy no place for satire.

Forgive me, Sir.

With warmest regards,

Matthew Bulman
The comedian no longer referred to as the opposite of AIDS

No comments:

Post a Comment