Saturday, March 14, 2009

My Funeral Wishes

The Final Will and Testimony of Mr. Matthew Bulman:

1) I'm dead. That's why you are all hearing this Will and Testimony read by my crack team of attorneys at Saw, Hunter and Moore. Snacks have been provided; and I might take a moment to suggest the Cotswald Cheese by my good friends at Beemster, who make a choice spread of cheese-cracker combinations for funerals and other occasions. A healthy but balanced chunk of your inheritance has gone to the assemblage of today's snacking spread, as was my wont, because...I'm sure my children can attest to this...I always was a fan of snacks, nibbles, and bite sized morsels for the mouth.

2) About your inheritance...specific directions follow, so please listen carefully. The instructions will be read aloud once, after which the word "Go" will be shouted, while simultaneously the directions aforementioned are consumed by a ball of fire, forever lost.

A) First and foremost, it is my explicit wish to be with a woman, sexually, one last time. Though my corps is dead and lifeless, I have taken certain steps...certain medical steps... to ensure that rigor mortis would set straight certain necessary accouterments for the act. The finest medical team available was assembled to enable this little frivolity. Once again, a healthy but balanced portion of your inheritance has been spent on this little assemblage. She can be any woman...A previous lover, a necrophiliac, or a prostitute, though the latter option does deduct from your sizable but balanced inheritance just a little bit more. The specific details matter not; just get it done.

B) I then wish to be with a man. I assure you this will settle a little curiosity that has pestered me throughout life and will now be settled in death.

C) Then, I would like the three of my children and I to picnic. We will reenact certain fond memories from childhood. Someone will push the little one, Kimmy Bulman, over into a pot of honey, which will prompt her to retaliate with a saucing of some sort. Kimmy, being the youngest, will get to choose her sauce, though I am certain she remembers her dear father's preference for chutney.

Later, perhaps, my children will sling a rope around my arms and hoist me upon a tree; meanwhile, having taped a glove to my hand earlier, we will play catch! Though, once again, the necessary medical steps to ensure that provisions A and B are followed to the letter of the law may cause undue embarrassment. Perhaps taping down my erect penis will cause less of a scene? I don't know. The specifics matter not...I only want us to seem as natural as possible to the passers-bye.

D) Lastly, I wish to be put to rest in a non-traditional fashion. All too often, the precious land with which we could use for the growth of agriculture or the raising of stock...both, I might add, contributors to the wonderful snacking industry...this land is all too often set aside as burial grounds. Similar to those who are cremated, I, too, wish to be scattered amongst the waters and grasses of my favorite parklands; however, I do not wish to be cremated. No! I will be scattered, unburnt, throughout Fairmount Parks. A limb to each child to do with as they please. Specifics matter not. Just so long as I am set aside in the soil, grass and water back in my home town of Philadelphia. And to you, my dear honey-bunny, Kristen. My poor, widowed, wife...to you I leave my head. It is my final resting wish that you place my head at Flinders Street Train Depot, Australia. My favorite sight on Earth! I specifically ask that you place my head looking South-West, toward the Eureka Towers. And, if you don't mind, please do so at 5:30pm to commemorate our initial meeting way back in June of 2008.

As for your inheritance...after the last of my remains have been scattered, you can return to the attorneys at Saw, Hunter and Moore to receive your land and assets so long as you provide photographic evidence that my wishes have been carried out to the letter of the law. Each of you has received a sizable sum of money, in excess of several million dollars, minus the few frivolities aforementioned and a few, previously agreed upon pennies to our good friends, the attorneys at Saw, Hunter and Moore.

Go with God, my progeny. Go with God, Kristen. Enjoy the Cottswald cheese, and remember me with each bite into a cracker. Go!

Warmly in Death,
The Beloved Mr. Matthew Bulman

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