Tuesday, May 5, 2009

New Applications for Beards

I’m not impressed by your beard, Jimmy. Sure, the others are talking. With great gusto they say, “Hey, have you seen Jimmy lately? He’s growing a beard!”

But there is no merit in it.

Sure, there was a time when a bearded face meant something special. Before computers perhaps. In their crude workshops, the greats of ol’ yore must have toiled for lifetimes to carve out the possible geometries…the mutton chops leading to the friendly mutton chops, bridged only by a moustache running under the snout…the soul patch reincarnated as the chin strip…the balbo…the goatee…But in the digital era, a beard practically grows of its own accord. The mathematical permutations have clearly reached their limit. Your meagre effort hardly deserves plaudits.

Pride is your sin.

If you really want to impress me, Jimmy, don’t grow a beard on your face; you find a way to grow a beard on something unique, something besides yourself.

Because I swear to God almighty I will curse the ground you walk should you broach our next conversation with the pride laden sentence, “I am growing a beard.”

But should you change your wayward tendencies, perhaps our friendship can be salvaged. Complete the sentence, Jimmy. What I would like to hear is something like, “I am growing a beard on this pig.”

Or perhaps think bigger than one mere pig. Dream big! Perhaps you will say, “I am growing an entire field of Beards…a crop which when harvested will bring great benefit to the people of Earth.”

To which I will respond, “WOW! You truly are growing a beard!”

For benefiting humanity with these new applications for the beard is a topic of conversation I would like to have.

I will further investigate the subject with enthusiastic questions such as, “Tell me about your bearded pig, Jimmy. What does he eat? Have the ethical implications been considered? For in the down turn of a free market economy, we must be careful to apply our learned lessons: things like hospitals, schools, and bearded pigs must be regulated by the public sector lest laze fare capitalism run rampent! For all should have access to the newer applications of Beards.

Copyright by Matthew Bulman

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