Sunday, December 27, 2009

Christmas Wishes, explained

Addendum: A truthy explination
Greetings (insert name):

You might be asking yourself, “ Why is this Yule Tide missive so delayed?” What a perfectly rational and astute question! Why don’t you take a reflective moment to reward yourself for such clever thinking. Go ahead; you deserve it bucko!

Now, if you are anything like me, you may have already made certain assumptions and deductions…biased no doubt by outdated facts and irrelevant historical data from the author’s life. Some lesser minds than yours might even believe the culprit to be Matthew’s habitual faux pax of procrastination. Fortunately, this conclusion is erroneous.

You see, this past year has been one of triumph for Matthew Bulman. Yes, in 2009, your (circle applicable) son, brother, nephew, grandson, uncle, father, husband, lover, ex-lover, client single handedly marched into battle against procrastination. Using a preemptive strike in the American fashion, Matt fought and slayed this nagging, gnawing, cowardly foe. While some go their whole life without addressing this rival, Matthew has taken the initiative and gone into bloodly battle, ripping entrails from its spine, slaughtering this creature (and anyone in the way) against the wall to assure its death one thousand times over. Procrastination just cried like a little girl. And Matthew stood there laughing, victorious, warrior-like.

It was classic! And very proactive.

No, the real culprit in this delayed letter is the Australian Postal Service worker, known locally as the Postie (pronounced Post-Tea). He is your typical Australian: white man with a mustache, about 6 foot 2 inches high… which, admittedly, is an awefully big mustache. But it is a different culture here, and the sun does strange things to people.

Now, if you stay on top of the news like Matthew does, then Kristen may also have informed you of the recent local postal strike that she read about in the news. And while this strike is serendipitous for Matthew, slayer of procrastination, it is also the real scapegoat in our current, untimely Christmas exchange. It is also to blame for your lack of presents this calendar year! We’ll just carry them on board our checked luggage, where they will be safe, when we fly back this June!

Sure, we might be tempted to hock a lugey on the ground and yell, “Fooey,” towards the postal workers of the world. Especially since there are children involved. But you know what I say? I say, “Never let your children accept packages from strange men with mustaches, and society will be safer in the long run.”

And I also say pray for them. Or, if you don’t feel like being a victim, pray against them. The important thing at this time of year is prayer…for these are the prayoffs and there’s a lot at stake in future contracts.

And, finally, I invite you to consider the other side of the coin in our Holiday exchange. Call me an optimist, but I just might be tempted to consider that this letter is not so late for 2009, but early, for 2010.

Huh, leave it to your proactive *Addendum: A truthy explination
Greetings (insert name):

You might be asking yourself, “ Why is this Yule Tide missive so delayed?” What a perfectly rational and astute question! Why don’t you take a reflective moment to reward yourself for such clever thinking. Go ahead; you deserve it bucko!

Now, if you are anything like me, you may have already made certain assumptions and deductions…biased no doubt by outdated facts and irrelevant historical data from the author’s life. Some lesser minds than yours might even believe the culprit to be Matthew’s habitual faux pax of procrastination. Fortunately, this conclusion is erroneous.

You see, this past year has been one of triumph for Matthew Bulman. Yes, in 2009, your son, brother, nephew, grandson, uncle, father, husband, lover, ex-lover, client single handedly marched into battle against procrastination. Using a preemptive strike in the American fashion, Matt fought and slayed this nagging, gnawing, cowardly foe. While some go their whole life without addressing this rival, Matthew has taken the initiative and gone into bloodly battle, ripping entrails from its spine, slaughtering this creature (and anyone in the way) against the wall to assure its death one thousand times over. Procrastination just cried like a little girl. And Matthew stood there laughing, victorious, warrior-like.

It was classic! And very proactive.

No, the real culprit in this delayed letter is the Australian Postal Service worker, known locally as the Postie (pronounced Post-Tea). He is your typical Australian: white man with a mustache, about 6 foot 2 inches high… which, admittedly, is an awefully big mustache. But it is a different culture here, and the sun does strange things to people.

Now, if you stay on top of the news like Matthew does, then Kristen may also have informed you of the recent local postal strike that she read about in the news. And while this strike is serendipitous for Matthew, slayer of procrastination, it is also the real scapegoat in our current, untimely Christmas exchange. It is also to blame for your lack of presents this calendar year! We’ll just carry them on board our checked luggage, where they will be safe, when we fly back this June!

Sure, we might be tempted to hock a lugey on the ground and yell, “Fooey,” towards the postal workers of the world. Especially since there are children involved. But you know what I say? I say, “Never let your children accept packages from strange men with mustaches, and society will be safer in the long run.”

And I also say pray for them. Or, if you don’t feel like being a victim, pray against them. The important thing at this time of year is prayer…for these are the prayoffs and there’s a lot at stake in future contracts.

And, finally, I invite you to consider the other side of the coin in our Holiday exchange. Call me an optimist, but I just might be tempted to consider that this letter is not so late for 2009, but early, for 2010.

Huh, leave it to your proactive (circle one) son, brother, nephew, grandson, uncle, father, husband, lover, ex-lover, client, Matt, to be sending things out so early! What a guy.


Lots of love to you and yours, and Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!