Friday, November 19, 2010

Inventing the next big thing

Honey, I know things have been tight, financially, for quite a while now. That we have been eating pancakes for dinner each night is evidence enough. But things are going to be ok. This time I guarantee it. Why? Because of an idea. Not just any idea, but a particular idea. And this particular idea is going to make us a lot of money. It will be the next big thing.

Honey, we are going to invent something.

Before you stop me, I must say that I know what you’re thinking.

“Here’s yet one more seemingly ridiculous but amazingly brilliant idea in a litany of whacky avant guard schemes that the narrow minded world is unable to yet accept.”

After all, I think we’d both agree that standardizing the multiple shoe-sizing systems of the world into an SI unit would certainly benefit humanity at some point in the future. And, furthermore, the 100 unit Chronon, would make an excellent replacement for the Second, allowing easier conversions for mathematicians and physicists alike.

No, this invention will be different. For this invention will not be a unit of weights, measures or time.

I have the paperwork ready to go. We’ll send it off for pattenting, and once we have the ok from the patent office, we’ll send it off to a plant in China for mass production.

Now, we just need the invention.

It’s impact is going to be big, so get ready. It will be like the Ipad, or the Ipod, or an app for the pad/pod, but we’ll use different vowels.

Wait. Here’s a thought. Robots?

Yeah, fuck computers! Robots are the future. They will clean the house, or do the dishes, and/or act like pets. Apets. Or Upets. Or Opets. I think U should be our vowel. It might even rhyme with Muppets when we market it to the children of the world.

Now, we just need a robot-designing genius.

No, in hindsight, it’s too dangerous. Upet Robots might harm children. And as the creator, I could never live with myself. Forget I mentioned Upets.

What about a new type of snorkel? You always liked snorkeling, and consider yourself an avid snorkler. And when you consider the world is two thirds aqueous and there are rising water levels, who couldn’t use a snorkel?

Or a type of salve that removes bubble-bum when its been smeared in your hair? Remember the shaved-debacle that ensued when I tried to remove it from my hair without such an invention?

Hold your horses. It’s come to me. A game. We will invent a game. Like soccer. Currently, the best soccer players in the world earn hundreds of millions of dollars per year. But our players will make twice that and wield machetes. And as the inventor of the game, I will also be its top-paid player. But we won’t call our athletes players. We will call them assassins. Samurai assassins.

Or a new type of chopper? A religion? What about a religion made of choppers and robots which are samurai assassins in the game? That’s it! We will combine the religion with the game. It shall be called, “The Religame.”

We will work out the details along the way. The idea itself is not so important. It will be what’s inside the idea that counts (money???). Now, when we get to the therapists tonight you let me do all the talking and I’m pretty sure we will work this out.

Honey? Honey, where are you going?

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