Monday, June 18, 2012

Human Statues

By Matt Bulman

If I created a piece of art, it would be in the post-ordinary school, and it would include several painted “Human Statues”.

Blue Man: The first human statue is a man posing on a crowded street, dressed all in blue, with a blue hat, blue coat, and blue suit, blue briefcase, standing still on a blue box. He looks sad.

Yellow Man: The second human statue is a yellow man, looking somewhat more drug-addled, wild eyed, and shifty. He is dressed in yellow, with a yellow hat, yellow T-shirt, yellow jeans that are torn and yellow boots that look very worn. He also has a yellow squeegee, and stands on a yellow box that he props up two metres in front of the blue man. You do not trust the yellow man, but you give him money just the same.

Yellow man has a second trick. When the car traffic comes to a stop, he hops off of his yellow box and offers to squeegee the cars in front of him, and then returns to his yellow box to perch when traffic begins to flow.
Green man: Here we have a human statue who is asleep in a corner behind the first two. He sleeps there peacefully, with a sign that reads: Real human statue of drug addict.

The actions of yellow man really upset blue man. Blue man changes from sad to angry. The second time yellow man returns to perch blue man jumps off of his blue box. He breaks his character, and assaults yellow man on the head with his blue brief case. Yellow man parries with his squeegee. They fight and crash and smash each other, and fall into traffic, landing on the windshield and hood of a car. Paint comes off of the colour men, all over the windshield, which yellow man tries to squeegee while simultaneously taking a punch. Jimmy, a little boy eating an ice cream cone, starts to cry.

At this point in time, passers-by give green man their loose change out of despair. They choose green man because of his honesty and integrity. They think to themselves, “At least green man doesn’t upset little Jimmy and his ice cream cone.”
But what the crowd does not realise is that it's all an act, and the colour human statue men are in cahoots with one another. They are in a Gang, called the Gang of 3, and later on that afternoon they will split up their takings in a dark alleyway.

But what the Gang of 3 fail to realise is that they have stepped on the turf of another set of street performers, another gang, who also dress in colour: Red man and White man. They are a stoplight gang, who imitate the characters on stop lights, making strange beeps and using body language to tell you when to walk or to stop. And the stoplight gang say things like, “We don’t take kindly to strangers.”

So, while the human statues, a.k.a.Gang of 3, are splitting up their takings in the dark alleyway, we observe the stoplight gang at the end of the alleyway, and they cut off the colour human statue gang at the pass.

“There they are: Get ‘em,” the Red man and White Man shout.
A chase ensues. Red Man and White Man carry paint guns, and they start shooting. The Gang of 3 make a run for it.

And the only reason the human statues colour gang gets away is because at the stop lights, the stoplight gang gets confused and, out of habit, go into character, each imitating the picture of the man at the stop light, emitting little beeps and blurts that sound like the noises that come from traffic lights designed for blind people.
The human statues, or Gang of 3, laugh and high five each other. Later, they go off to try to score some Chrystal Meth, but none of the drug dealers will sell to them because they think it looks too conspicuous to sell drugs to the men dressed like colourful human statues.

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