Wednesday, June 20, 2012

On Happyness


I want happiness, but only enough for me. I certainly do not want to share it with anyone. I can’t afford to. It is mine, after all, and I got started late in life on it. So please keep your greedy mitts away and find your own.

I am saving my happiness for later. If I get a good thought, the urge to giggle or smile, I immediately stifle it and stuff it deep down in my body. The way I like to think of it is that I currently place much of my happiness into a high interest account, growing, away from others who might spoil it. I do not withdraw it, share it, or waste it on little coffees or puppies, because I am being responsible and saving all of my happiness for when I retire. And, when I do retire and have all of the happiness that I need, I will carefully distribute it in measured amounts amongst servants in Bali. Here, my happiness will go much further, relatively, and I will be able to afford protection from those who might ruin it.

I have given up laughter. Incidentally, playing, whistling and humming have also in been shelved. I surrendered hobbies, too. Go ahead, try to tickle me or tell me a joke. You will get nowhere. I have 14 people at work randomly tickling me throughout the day. Nothing. I save it all.

There is an argument that happiness can be found more economically in prostitutes and illicit street drugs. I am investigating these possibilities.

I have found several ways to grow my happiness. What are my secrets? I’m not telling you. Not the best ones at least. If I were to share with you the best wells from which I draw upon, you might try to go there yourself and deplete the rich source and purity of happiness. I will, however, share with you a few examples from further down the list.

Monkey Research: monkey-based research in the field of scientific inquiry is where a great deal of happiness can be found. “Twelve macaque monkey’s were the caged, tickled and destroyed to see if the happy centres in their brain had grown.” By focusing my attention on monkeys, monkey brains, and monkey happiness, my own happiness grows. In fact, I like to count every dead monkey as a little happy trophy. Try it yourself.

Shake it from children: Sometimes, around a child who is naturally happy, I have the urge to steal and bottle it. The happiness, not the child. This happiness is clearly wasted on the child. So, grabbing a jar, I figure, “Why not try to bottle the joy?” Shaking the joy from the happy child, I then take a jar and clasp wildly at the air, hoping to grab some molecule, some vibe, something invisible to the eye, but very present in the ether. Then, a few hours later, I open the jar and imagine myself drinking this elixir.

Repeat the above process with a wild squirrel: Squirrels are naturally happy, and one can be held in each hand to double the return on your investment. Contrary to popular belief, their tails do have muscle, allowing them to double back on you and bite you upon the wrist. For this reason, only one squirrel per hand, and grasp it firmly around the waist when shaking.

Lastly, consider using your thumbs more often. Really thumb elaborately around people, sometimes in eccentric fashions. Point at things with your thumb, or insist on picking up pieces of paper with your thumbs only. Repeat the process, but try painting your thumbs up like little people. If you find this successful, try tattoos. I tattooed figurines onto my thumbs years ago, and it has provided untold measures of happiness. My fingers are next. I look forward to when my hands get to dance, tangle and wrestle with one another. Countless stories of their amazing adventures are about to unfold. Happy bank, get ready to expand. I for one plan to make quite the deposit with this little scheme.

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