Tuesday, July 17, 2012

Higgs' Turtle at the Particle Accelerator and Other Acts of Love that Sometimes Went Wrong

Hi, I’m Doctor Clive Peters, Physicist.  And I’m here to talk to you today about the amazing world of science.

Now, many of you will be wondering, no doubt, about the most recent discovery of the elusive Higgs Boson particle, also known as the God particle.  Science has done some amazing things in recent years, but capturing God has been a breakthrough that many could not have predicted.

You see, God is like this trickster wizard with magical powers.  And he’s good at hide and seek.  Science has now captured, beaten, and forced God to tell us the secrets he holds...and we have finally unlocked these powers through chemical bonds.  Those bonds, it turns out are made up of smaller particles, which in turn, are made up of yet smaller still particles.  These are known as Bosons, after the beautiful Princess Bose, a scientist-princess of amazing abilities.  Bose was the brains.  Dr. Higgs, he just tacked his name on to the front of the particle, because he used to drive Dr Bose to the Lab every day, and do little favours like bake Bose some cupcakes, buy her coffee, or once, he bought Bose a turtle.  They got drunk and put the turtle in the particle accelerator...it went badly. 

Anyway, they became friends, and, much to everyone’s astonishment, lovers.  And then Dr. Bose caught consumption, and on her deathbed extended an unprecedented act of friendship and love hitherto unknown on this planet.  She was like, “COUGH, COUGH,  HIGGS, COME HERE.”

“What is it Bose?”

“Take this.”

“What is it?”

“ It is a particle.”  Cough, cough.

And he took it, kept it to himself for years because he didn’t really know what he had.  Honestly, Higgs was just a party guy more than a physicist.  He couldn’t tell you a gluon from a quark from a charm...let alone the elusive Boson that he kept in a jar at home in his refrigerator.

Then, one day last week, he ran out of sugar for his coffee and started wondering if he had anything else that might be a substitute, when he opened the jar once again.  He went to work, showed it to some colleagues, and they were like, “Hey guys, come over here, guess what Higgs found.”

Sure enough, it was the elusive God particle.  It was hidden in Higgs’ fridge all of these years.

What does this mean for you?  Well, it turns out that God is a lot smaller than originally hypothesized.  But there is more of him than we ever could have imagined. 

Take this jug of milk for example.   Inside this jug there are approximately 4x10^200 mol of God, or Higgs-Boson, particles.  That’s a lot of God.  Did you ever want to drink God?  Well, now you can.  A lot of him, so drink your milk. 

Or, try water.  There are more God particles in water than in milk because milk has some proteins, which prevent some God particles from bonding.  Especially if you are lactose intolerant.  Who would have thought that God was a unipolar molecule with hydrophilic properties?  HA, HA, HA...

So, I hope you found today’s explanation useful boys and girls.  And remember, if you like God in you, drink your milk.  

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