Sunday, July 1, 2012


By Matt Bulman

This essay contains many, many ideas (fourteen). While these are hardly novel ideas, and have been tried by countless people in the past, most of these particular ideas have been collected and gathered here, in this essay, because they are unique in one outstanding capacity: they are bad ideas.

I use the vernacular version of bad, for the ideas themselves are not morally wrong, nor have they been naughty. We are not going to spank out the bad from these ideas, nor send them off to a corner to think about what they have done, nor burn them with a lighter to teach them a lesson.

Instead, I use a pedestrian version of bad, hoping to convey that the ideas herein are poorly thought out and underdeveloped. Clearly, you will see they are flawed right away. Or, if you do not, it is because you are not very clever. In such a case, it is probably best that you then discontinue reading this essay, or, as is more likely, you discontinue having someone read it to you.

Many letters of the alphabet have been rearranged into a unique order and structure to write this essay. I would like to thank these letters, and their origins, for their vital contribution, mainly that of words. This essay on bad ideas simply could not have happened without their pivotal role, and, at times, support.

Yours truly,
Matt Bulman
Bad Ideas Champion, Canberra 2012

1: Become an amateur scientist: Science is not going to be around forever, folks. In fact, there is evidence to suggest it is on the decline. If you aren’t already in the science game, probably best to stay out.

2: Put yourself out there. Bad move. Putting yourself out there just welcomes failure and ridicule, especially from friends. Double it or family. Do you like being pointed at? What about poked, tickled or laughed at? What about having oranges thrown at you? Unless you like being pelted by fruit, best to stay far away from putting yourself out there.

3: Slam your poetry, publicly, if you are over 35 and white. Jeepers, fire your therapist if this ever becomes your reality.

4: Start a Game: Most games have been around for a long time now, and they are fairly well established as far as their rule and traditions are concerned. Consider joining an established game rather than trying to invent your own. Walking up to street people, flicking their ears and saying, "You're it," is not a game.

5: Design a robot: So, you got a hold of some wire and a mannequin, huh? Well, it will take more than connecting these items intricately together during an electrical storm in order for that robot to start dancing. I tried this several times, only to melt each potential robot into a pile of burnt rubber. Take it from me: until we harness the lightening bolt’s true power, robots are fantasy.

6: Whittling: Are you serious? You want to whittle? Pussy.

7: Getting Even: If someone has one-upped you, it’s likely that they did so because they are better than you. Genetically. Do not try to get even with them. Instead, buy them a barbecued chicken, and present them with it. Do so earnestly and sincerely, presenting the barbecue chicken whilst saying, “Congratulations,” as though they have won an award. And then quickly walk away.

8: Go after your dreams: Unless you have mastered lucid dreaming, you better stay out of your dreams. Dreams are messages from God, filtered through LSD. Do you want to fall out of a window and land on the street because you think you can fly? No? Well, then stay the hell away from muddling around in your dreams.

9: Try injecting smack “Just this once”.

10: If already on smack, trying to give up again. Too late! You might as well enjoy it.

11: “Having a system” at the Casino. Good luck, schmuck.

12: Walk right up to him and tell him exactly how you feel: Tsss. If you are a dude, just punch him. If you are a chick, slice his Achilles tendon. Feelings are not facts. Violence is a fact.

13: Invest in a child: children are really not that clever an investment. Oil is a clever investment. Or robots, but only if designed by someone who knows where to put the wires (refer to number 5).

14: This one is for you: I have left this clich├ęd line for your best ideas, like the home brewed beer, or the time you cut your hair, or that tattoo you so desperately needed, or that puppy you place in the refrigerator... ad infinitum...

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